Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
