remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
