college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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