Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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