Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize