the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
