I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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