Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
