Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize