Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
