When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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