listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
