yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
