Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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