ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
