Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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