I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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