i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
