I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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