please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
