I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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