So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
