If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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