You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize