He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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