sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize