Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
