Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
