That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
