I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
