I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
