I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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