Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
