i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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