and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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