First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
