I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
