I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
