i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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