I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
