You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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