im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
