so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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