Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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