You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
