you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
