I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
