Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
