I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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