Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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