Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
