Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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