good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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