Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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