i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize