apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
