Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Drake has all the answers
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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