I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
