i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
