i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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