he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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