He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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