textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
