ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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