she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
