Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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