just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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