he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
